Dear Jesse...

3/9 - Green
Dear Jesse-
Why is it that the most debilitating of all of the emotions is not only anger, but anger, jealousy, and shame, all wrapped up into a tightly-woven bundle? If you close your eyes and meditate on both anger and jealousy, they seemingly work as a team to knock you down … and then shame finishes you off, leaving you weaker than you were before you started. Jealousy has a more invasive grip, whereas anger is a much more explosive emotion. Anger I picture as a violent storm, whereas jealousy is more like a creeping poison; slow to overcome you, but when it does it is detrimental.

Perhaps Gertrude’s death in Hamlet, when she drank the poison flask of wine that was meant for Hamlet’s demise, is a visual metaphor for creeping jealousy. I mean, think about it; Claudius and Laertes had premeditated Hamlet’s murder by challenging him to a duel with a poisoned foil, and a flask of celebratory wine with a poisoned pearl in it. They thought that it was a no fail plan; either way Hamlet would perish, while his mother looked on in horror. But the fates twisted the denoument, as the audience gripped their seats in dismay, and watched Gertrude down the poisoned flask in honor of her son’s elaborate sword fight move. Gertrude did not die a quick, painless death …she voiced all of the negative emotions inherent in the play on her sweating, panic stricken, dying face. The poison crept up on her while we watched, unable to change her fate. And as you know, jealousy, if not handled properly, always leads to explosive anger.

For instance, remember when we were 7, and at one of your birthday pool parties, and I was violently jealous of your blonde school friend. Tina? Was that her name? I hated her! You were my best friend, and who the hell did she think she was? That primadona! She had her little pink bag, and her cute little pink jellies, and she had the nerve to sit next to you when you were blowing out the candle on your birthday cake. That jealousy inched up my spine until I couldn’t take it anymore. Me! Tiny, goofy me. I can’t quite remember what incident finally provoked my jealousy to the next level, but all I remember is pushing my long braids and wet bangs away from my face, leaning down toward the shallow end of the pool, and punching Tina right in the face.

Initially it was truly gratifying, but then with every one of her tears, shame fell on me like rain, drenching me, and I was forced by my own instincts to say, “I’m sorry, Tina. I didn’t mean to punch you.” Like hell I didn’t! God, what a vicious cycle.
Love, Ana

Ana's Download of the Day - "All Apologies" by Nirvana on "In Utero"


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