Dear Frieda..."soul"

3/29 - ?
Dear Frieda – "soul"

I don’t know, but I am beginning to think that inherently a great deal of my childhood has to do with my current personality disorder. I know that you told me that although that may be the case, that we cannot hold onto the past experience that caused the psychological pain, or cognitive therapy will be in vain. The past is the past, you can only treat the present, right? I don’t know ...it seems as if the more I take the things that happened to me out of my memory, twirl them up like pasta, and drop them neatly onto my plate for closer examination, I feel some sort of relief.

I’m not inspired right now ...and I’m not going to get upset about this. In fact, I just want to close my eyes and not think about anything; I just want to plant my face into a pillow and sleep sweetly for hours, and hours. I cannot say anything unusual. I cannot make any keen observations. My eyes will not even open into my “soul,” in fact I don’t feel like I have one right now. Where is my soul? I have been so busy analyzing other people’s behaviors, that I’ve been ignoring my basic needs ...such as sleep. I bet that happens to you Frieda. You must hear so many problems. Do you feel like your being pelted with little balls of negativity by your patients?

Do you have to turn it off? Do you have to put up an invisible shield so that you remain untouched by all of the darkness that you encounter? Do you learn? Does it strengthen your relationships by talking to people who suffer with their own problems?

I’m not ready to talk.
Good Night, Ana

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